March 6, 2017 by Payton Shiver
If you engage on social media networks regularly, you’ve probably seen the newest Oreo addition on your timeline in preparation for Easter: Peeps. I stumbled across a Buzzfeed article claiming the Oreos turned not only your tongue and saliva pink for hours, but it also turned the consumer’s poop pink.
My diet consists mostly low-carb meals and snacks, but when something claims to turn your excrement pink, you try it…Carbs be damned.
*Disclaimer: most women deny having the capacity to poop, fart, or burp. This is not one of those times/blog posts.*
When I bought the package of Peeps Oreos and a half gallon of milk on Sunday, I was a little disappointed with the packaging size. Instead of the larger, rectangle pack Oreos normally come in, the Peeps package was relegated to the square encasement. Shrugging it off and thinking the smaller amount of cookies would be easier on my low-sugar stomach and body (too much leaves me dizzy with a migraine), I left the store feeling excited.
I got home and immediately ate my first Peeps Oreo. At first, it was sweet and delicious, but the aftertaste was something close to tequila-induced vomit. I washed it down with milk, hoping it was just one bad cookie.
I was wrong.
Two cookies in, my tongue was bright pink. One (of three) sleeves of cookies down, my mouth was cottony and I was tired of chewing. The more cookies I ate, the more I realized the creamy middle was gritty – like the outside of an actual Peep Marshmallow. I took a break after the first sleeve to brush my teeth and follow up with mouthwash. Three minutes later, my tongue and sink were both bright pink.
I knew it was going to be a struggle to finish the other two sleeves because I didn’t like the cookies, and under normal circumstances I would’ve tossed the package and never looked back. But I had already posted about my endeavor across three social media sites, and my friends and followers were invested. They needed answers and I had committed.
The second sleeve was the hardest to consume. I ate it while watching the most recent Harry Potter marathon on ABC/Freeform, hoping to distract myself from the gritty sugar finding homes in between my teeth. I soaked most of them in milk in hopes to disguise some of the taste, but it was the equivalent of adding a pint of water to a raging forest fire. I listened to Hermione narrate the Tale of the Three Brothers while wishing my taste buds could numb themselves for the rest of the evening.
I saved the last sleeve for my weekly installment of The Walking Dead. I’m a loyal fan and knew I could trick myself into mindless snacking.
Again, I was wrong.
I poured the last of the milk into a large glass and dumped the sleeve in. I had to be careful – washing down Oreos (even bad ones) with anything other than milk was begging for misery. I waited until they were just mush in a cup and used a spoon to finish my personal challenge. I wished for a zombie apocalypse in which I was consuming the ready-to-eat dehydrated chili mac-and-cheese Rick had just offered Michonne.
I brushed my teeth one last time before bed, but still fell asleep with a pink tongue and pink in the sink. I had two back-to-back nightmares, the first in months, and briefly considered calling my mom to check in on her because she had made an appearance in both. After promising to never eat an entire package of Peeps Oreos ever again, I fell back into an uneasy sleep.
I woke up with a still bright pink tongue, but after my morning coffee and brushing, my mouth was back to normal. Now came the fun part: would my Monday poop(s) be pink???
Hoping my morning coffee would speed the process up, I waited a little less than patiently at work for the answers to my question (and everyone else’s). While I did not (and most likely will not ever) take a picture of the results, I can confirm with 100% accuracy the results of my personal challenge.
While the end result was not bright pink like the inside of a Peeps Oreo, it was a heck of a lot brighter than any other bowel movement in recent memory. An orangey-pink, perhaps even a salmon color, was what I flushed down Monday afternoon. Based on research of bowel movements, it looks like my poop might be this color for another day.
If you’re a fan of Peeps Marshmallows and golden Oreos, this is for you. If the aftertaste of vomit appeals to you, this cookie is also for you. I personally will not fall victim to this malarkey ever again, and will happily abstain from this type of carb for life.